Jessica's Video Rental Survival Guide
Motto: When in doubt, someone always has it shittier than you.
Step 1: Go to the video store. Or, if you're a cinephile like myself, peruse your own personal collection. It is best to go in the midday; bypassing the Friday night date "what are we going to watch?" mode. Let's not make this harder on ourselves.
Step 2: Avoid comedies and Cinemax psuedo-porn sections. Comedies—we want to laugh at others' misfortune, not Sandra Bullock in rehab. I'm pretty and an alkie. Boo hoo. Pseudo-porn is pretty self-explanatory. RE: making it harder for oneself (see above). But in the event that you stumbled into Blockbuster on a Friday-feel free. EXTREME DANGER! One might think they can save money and just watch Lifetime Television for Women. It can be substituted, but please consult a physician first.
Step 3: Pick a drama with happy looking cover art. I know what you're thinking—HAPPY IS BAD. Think of it this way. How else are they going to get you to pick up their flick? No one's going to rent a video with an AIDS stricken Tom Hanks on the front. Puhlease. It's just the good old bait and switch technique. Classic examples are any Julia Roberts works circa 1990. Perhaps you could visit the happy ladies on the Steel Magnolias cover. Or maybe have dinner with her and Campbell Scott as they are Dying Young. For the uninitiated, these may be too much too soon; Julia does not ride into the sunset in these flicks. WARNING: Do yourself a favor and stay away from My Left Foot. There's no explaining that box.
Step 4: Relax. Get comfortable. Feel your best when you plop down in front of the TV. Remember, this is all about feeling superior. Feel free to talk back to the characters as well. Give them counsel. Your life may, at times, suck but at least you're not being eaten alive by sharks or mutant aliens. Always look on the bright side of your life. Old habits die hard, I know, but you'll appreciate it in the end. Or at least you'll look good in front of your therapist.
Step 5: If necessary, rinse and repeat. I cannot stress this enough. It is imperative that you rinse, especially if a workday elapses between viewings. It is best if we don't arouse suspicions.
Page 6: Paging Dr. Freud. Could you please proceed to a white courtesy phone? You're needed to analyze this! Seriously though, to make this system work, it is essential to find the one character in the film that has it the worst. Doesn't necessarily have to be a main character. It could even be the guy that pumps gas in the opening sequence. Take a little trip back to high school English class; compare and contrast your woes to the characters. Chances are they'll have it worse. That's the good news! You may be suffering in silence right now, but it's a dog-eat-dog world and the only way you're gonna survive is if you beat up that nasty little Chihuahua.
Lucky #7: Here's where I'm going to get a little sappy. I'll apologize in advance. BE GRATEFUL. Life is not perfect—even in the movies. Love what you have, and, at the least, love the one you're with. Trust me, if Julia Roberts can go from being a hooker to saving a town from poisoning, you can get your dream job and/or life. It may not be today or a year from now, but the journey starts now. Baby steps to the video store... Baby steps to a better life.
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